


Everything Stays

by coffee666



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Falling In Love, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Mind melds, Sex, Vulcan Kisses, amnesia trope but fluff instead of angst, idk how many chapters this will have im just winging it at the moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-19 10:16:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9435767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffee666/pseuds/coffee666
Summary: “Spock…what’s his deal? I mean, is he single? He’s really cute.”“I should hope you think he’s cute, he’s your husband!”“He is!?”_____________________________________________Jim suffers from amnesia after an accident and has no recollection of his life. Spock is devastated, until he realizes it is a chance for Jim to fall in love all over again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [Everything Stays/一如往昔（又名“重新爱上你”）](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9653927) by [whatatuesday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatatuesday/pseuds/whatatuesday)



He wasn’t aware of anything, really. It was all dark. He couldn’t even feel his arms and legs enough to move them.

“….Jim? Jim!?”

His eyes flew open, and he was gasping suddenly as if emerging from cold deep water. Feelings seemed to shoot back to all of his nerves, and there was pain, all of it throbbing in the front of his head as if he’d bashed it open on something.

“…Ouch.” He managed, blinking in the bright lights of whatever room he was in.

“Relax, it’s not that bad.” The voice spoke softer this time. “It’s just bleeding like hell, cuz it’s a head wound.”

“Oh.” He closed his eyes again, drowning out the lights in favor of trying to move his arms and legs. All of his limbs seemed to be working. He slid them towards the edge of whatever surface he was on.

“No, don’t get up, you’re still banged up.” Hands push his legs back down. “I don’t want you to mess up your stitches…”

“Stitches?!” His hand flew up to his forehead, gently tracing over the strange texture of threads in his skin. He opened his eyes partway, squinting once more in the lights.

“Oh, sorry! Hold on…” There’s a click, and it was much dimmer now. He opened his eyes fully, taking in the blankness of the ceiling, before travelling to the owner of the voice. “Don’t worry, they can come out later tonight. Thank God for modern medicine, right? You won’t even have a scar left to muck up that face you prioritize so much.”

“Good.” He chuckled. He decided he liked this person. He seemed good-natured, and his sternness was very obviously only because he cared very much about his patients. He was a doctor, guessing by the fact that this looked like a hospital and they’d just been talking about stitches.

“How do you feel?” 

He sat up gingerly, swinging his legs to hang over the side of the bed. He took a slower look around, taking in the pale walls and rows of beds, his being the only occupied one. He reached up to brush his fingers across the stitches once more.

“It hurts.” He said.

“Don’t whine.” The doctor chided, though there was both worry and a smile hiding behind the gruff features. “Like I said, you should be fine in a matter of hours.”

“What…happened, exactly?” He asked, fixating his gaze on the insignia on the doctor’s shirt. It seemed familiar somehow.

“You cracked your head open down in engineering. For once, it wasn’t your fault.”

“Engineering…” He mumbled. So, this was a ship? It had to be. That was why that insignia seemed so familiar. That also explained the lack of windows. You’d think patients would want to look out. Maybe he could find a viewport.

“Right.” The doctor picked up a padd from the table by the bed and didn’t look up from the screen. “So, any other questions before I kick you out?”

“Uh…Who are you?” He asked.

He wasn’t sure what compelled him to ask. Doctors and patients were supposed to have just a professional relationship, but didn’t doctors tell you their name or where you were when you woke up? And this one seemed so nice…

The doctor lowered his padd and quickly snapped his eyes up. All of that hidden emotion was gone, replaced with almost unsure scrutiny.

“And…who am I?” He reached up and tugged at the collar of his shirt. It was suddenly hot in here, and he didn’t care at all for that look he was getting. He stared instead at the insignia on the doctor’s shirt instead of his face.

“…You’re being serious? You’re not just fucking with me?” The doctor asked.

“Is that something I’d do?” He was offended, but he wasn’t sure why. Surely this was a serious situation. Was he the type of person to joke around to diffuse tension? That sort of things seemed like it could get annoying fairly quickly.

“…Let me get this straight.” The doctor came around to the side of the bed to look him in the face. “You don’t know who I am?”

“No.”

“You don’t know who you are?”

“No.”

There was a look of almost horror on the doctor’s face. He took a few shaky steps back, recoiling and shaking his head. “It was just a bump, dammit!” He sounded hurt. “How could this have happened? This is –“

But he didn’t get to say what it was. They both jumped and turned to the sound of a door sliding open. Someone rushed in so fast, grabbing his hand up from the bed and holding it in both of his own, cradling it almost as if it were precious.

“Jim! You are awake.” The man was beautiful, looking down at him with wide dark eyes. There was the strange, yet familiar upward slant of his brows and points of his ears. He was a Vulcan. “Doctor, did I not tell you to inform me when Jim conscious.”

Jim. That had to be his name. It sounded so beautiful from the Vulcan’s lips, and he could feel himself blushing, though he would not have figured himself the type of person to do so.

There was also something else, a warm tingling that seemed to be rushing through his entire body. It seemed to shoot from a place in the back of his head, radiating to his toes and burning in the place where their hands touched.

He wanted to drown in it, to feel it forever, it was that amazing. He looked into the Vulcans eyes. They were dark, yet rich and warm. The color seemed to burn his face further.

“Spock, no.” The doctor grabbed the Vulcan by the shoulder and pulled him back, causing Jim’s hand to slip from his grip. Jim gasped at the coldness that seemed to envelope him at the loss of touch.

The doctor pulled the Vulcan back away from the bed. It was with great reluctance that the Vulcan seemed to finally answer to him. Their voices were low, but Jim could still hear them. He stared ahead at the wall and tried not to let anything show on his face as he listened to what they were saying.

“…Retrograde amnesia…” The doctor said, his voice almost pained.

“Doctor, I assure you that Jim is fine. He has suffered much more serious injuries in the past.” The Vulcan said.

“Believe me, Spock. He had no idea who I was…”

“But he knows who I am.”

With that, the Vulcan approached the bed once more, and Jim couldn’t help the color flooding his cheeks. The Vulcan looked at him, something deeper behind that impassive expression.

“Jim…” The Vulcan started. “Is that your name?”

“I guess…” Jim couldn’t look at him for too long. He felt like a huge dork, the way he kept blushing.

“Do you know who I am?” The Vulcan asked slowly. Jim looked past him at the doctor, who was watching the whole thing with a nervous expression.

“No…sorry.” Jim said with a pang of guilt.

Immediately it was as if someone had stabbed him in the side, somewhere around his liver. There was a rush of pain in his head, but not physical, emotional.

“I’m sorry!” Jim said again, hating the look on the Vulcan’s face. It was as if he too were pained, but worse, and Jim realized it _was_ the Vulcan’s pain he was feeling.

“No…” The Vulcan’s eyes widened, taking steps back as if horror-struck.

“Spock…” The doctor grabbed the Vulcan’s shoulder again.

“You…you can fix this?” The Vulcan turned to him once more.  
“I can try.” The doctor nodded. “You…you have to go now.”

“I…I must stay with him.” The Vulcan looked to Jim. When their eyes locked, Jim felt his heart leap.

“ _You’re_ in command now.” The doctor gave his shoulder a slight shake.

“I…” Something seemed to dawn on him. He nodded in understanding. “I will brief the crew…” With that, he was gone, the door sliding shut behind him.

“Is he gonna be okay!?” Jim stared at the door, barely noticing when the doctor approached him once more.

“He’s not who I’m worried about.” The doctor reached into his pocket for something before shining a light in Jim’s eyes.

“Ah, what the hell!?” Jim turned away.

“Hold still!” The doctor growled. “I’m gonna run a few tests. This might take a while…”

Sometime later, Jim could tell things weren’t any better. Though his stitches were gone, His head hurt and he still couldn’t remember anything. The doctor, whose name Jim learned was McCoy, seemed more agitated than ever, running his hand through his hair and sighing.

“I’m sorry.” Jim said finally. “I know you’re trying…I wish I could remember…”

“It’s not your fault.” He gave a week smile. “I don’t know what it is, really. But, uh, there’s someone who wants to talk to you for a sec…hold on.”

Jim looked towards the door, feeling an excited leap in his throat when it opened to reveal the Vulcan. He was trailed by a friendly looking Asian man. McCoy went back towards his office and Jim frowned when the Vulcan joined him.

“Hey…” the other man approached Jim’s bed. “How do you feel.”

“I feel fine.” Jim lied, subconsciously brushing the spot on his forehead where the stitches had been. “I just wanna leave this place.”

“Do you…know who I am?” the man asked.

“No...sorry.” Jim felt another pang of guilt.

“It’s okay. You’ll get better.” He really didn’t seem hurt. He just smiled and stuck out his hand. “Hikaru Sulu. You saved my life once.”

“I did?” Jim shook his hand.

“Yeah. It was on our first mission.” He chuckled. “Hopefully it’ll come back to you…what did McCoy say?”

“He said he didn’t know what the deal was.” Jim sighed. “He seems really upset…but it’s not his fault.”

“Well, sure he’s upset. He’s your best friend.”

“He is?” Jim looked automatically towards the closed office door. It made sense now how Jim had been so calmed by McCoy’s voice being the first thing he heard.

“Don’t feel weird about it.” Sulu gave him a reassuring smile. “You can ask us anything you wanna know, since you can’t remember. But, uh, you might have to look for someone else. I gotta run this ship while you and Spock are out of commission.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, didn’t you know? _You’re_ the captain.”

“I’m the captain!?” Jim nearly jumped up from the bed. For some reason he’d been thinking he was some sort of lowly engineer.

“Right.” Sulu said with a laugh, apparently very amused at this. “And Spock is your First Officer. You’re usually pretty lenient, though. When Spock said you were still recovering, I thought he’d take over. That would have meant a tighter ship…but then he turned command over to me while you recover, so…”

 _Spock_. Jim looked once more towards the office where they were no-doubt talking about him. In this moment he wished more than ever that he could get better. He wanted to remember before…to know why it was he felt such a rush of…things around the Vulcan.

“So…” Jim tried to sound casual. After all, Sulu had said he could ask him anything. “Spock…what’s his deal? I mean, is he single? He’s really cute.”

Sulu began laughing so hard that Jim was sure he was going to fall over. “I should hope you think he’s cute, he’s your husband!”

“He is!?” Jim felt something akin to elation. He was flying now as opposed to sitting on a bed listening to medical machines beep in the background. Well, really he knew he was smiling like a huge dork, but he didn’t care. In the last minute he’d gained a ship and a husband.

“Is this…jogging anything?” Sulu chuckled.

“No,” Jim realized with a pang of sadness. “But it’s great news. This isn’t such a bad life that I’ve found myself in.”

Sulu finally had to leave and tend to the ship’s business, but he wished Jim a speedy recovery. Jim couldn’t stand to be alone in here any longer. He had a ship and husband waiting for him, not that he remembered how to interact with either of them.

He hopped down from the bed and crept towards the office door. He stood outside for a moment, but was unable to hear any voices from inside. He turned around and went back towards the entrance, stepping out into the wide hallway of the ship.

He didn’t know where he should go. Everyone he passed sort of stopped and gave him an odd look, as if unsure if he should be out walking around. He tried not to look intimidated, staring back with authority. What really got to him was the fact that he must have been very well-liked, as most everyone shook his hand and asked how his head was feeling. Many of them even re-introduced themselves. Jim did not find any of these names familiar, but he did find it easy to catalog the names and faces of everyone.

Finally, after stepping in and out of turbo-lifts and walking up and down hallways, he stepped through a random set of doors that left him stunned. He’d been lost, but had somehow found exactly what he’d been longing to see.

“…Wow!”

He stared out of the wide window of the observation deck, taking in the vastness of space. He walked slowly forward in a ghost-like trance, his eyes wide. Space was beautiful, dark and full of depth. It was with heated cheeks that he was reminded of Spock’s eyes.

He gently placed his palms flat against the glass. He felt so small now, but in a reassuring sort of way. All of the problems of the universe seemed insignificant compared to the vastness of it all. It did not matter now that he could not remember. In this moment, he vowed one day that he _would_ remember.

❖ ❖ ❖

“How could this have happened, Doctor?” Spock found himself asking for the tenth time. “He was unconscious for approximately ten minutes.”

“I don’t know, Spock.” McCoy sighed, putting his head in his hands where he sat at his desk. Spock had taken to pacing back and forth in front of it. “Scans look normal…it’s just…he doesn’t remember.”

“You cannot fix it?” Spock knew he sounded like someone who was hoping for a miracle from medicine, rather than a very rational person who knew science’s limits.

“I’ve tried! What about you? Can’t you zap him with some of your Vulcan voodoo and help him out?”

“This hardly a time for patronizing, Doctor!”  Spock snapped.

He knew it was only pure desperation for Jim that that got like this. Though they would always be very different, polar opposites really, things seemed to have settled within the years of knowing one another. They knew to avoid pushing another other’s buttons, because they both cared for Jim so much, and Jim claimed that listening to them fight had lost its novelty long ago.

“You can’t…meld with him, or whatever?” McCoy asked more tentatively.

“Mind melds have often thought to hold the solution to many neurological problems, amnesia included.” Spock sighed. “But it is not done easily. Though I may know Jim’s mind better than anyone, I am not a trained enough melder to attempt to uncover what he cannot recall without risking damage. New Vulcan, however, has the most experienced melder known to our kind.”

“Great.” McCoy leaned up. “Except New Vulcan is in the opposite direction of the ships current course.”

“We will go.” Spock nodded, deciding suddenly. Though he had relinquished control moments earlier to Mr. Sulu, he was sure they would all listen if he explained it was the only way to help Jim. “I will inform them to set the course.”

“In the meantime,” McCoy stood up and they started towards the office door. “I think we should try the age-old tactic. You know, walk him around….talk to him, show him some familiar stuff. You never know what will start coming back.”

“A sound idea, Doctor.” Spock said, almost overly kind to make up for the earlier sharpness as they went back towards Jim’s bed.

“He’s gone!” McCoy stopped short, and Spock did the same, staring at the empty bed. “What the hell…he could be anywhere in the ship. How’re we gonna find him?”

“Doctor, Jim is not a child.” Spock suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. “He is allowed to be on his own. Furthermore, he will not have to be, as I believe I know where he is.”

Spock walked with purpose, unsure _why_ he was so sure of where he was going. But he knew Jim better than anyone, McCoy included, so he knew he should at least check.

Oh Jim…there was a pang when Spock recalled earlier. Jim had looked at him without knowing him. It was as if someone had reached into his side and pulled out his heart. Despite all of the physical indications that Jim felt their bond –the same flush in his cheeks and sweat on his palms, there was no recognition.

Spock could not dwell on that now. Jim would get better. Spock would help him. Until then, he must simply abide by the Vulcan teaching. Simply, what is… _is._

The doors to the observation deck opened and Spock almost smiled with the realization that he truly did know Jim. He stood on the far end, hands pressed to the glass. He turned around as Spock approached and offered a small smile.

“It’s so beautiful.” Jim said, turning back towards the window.

“It is.” Spock nodded, standing beside him.

As Jim turned back to gaze out the window, that same look of wonder on his face that Spock had fallen in love with, he felt another pang near his heart. Evidently, Jim felt it too, as he looked back Spock with guilt in his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Jim said, almost inaudibly.

“It is not your fault.” Spock assured him. “We are setting a course for New Vulcan. There, an experienced melder will attempt to help you. Until then, Doctor McCoy has suggested traditional methods, such as taking you to familiar places and talking to you about familiar places.”

“This is…a familiar place?” Jim asked.

“It is.” Spock nodded. “We’ve spent much time here together.”

“What do you remember?” Jim asked.

Spock remembered that their first kiss happened to be here, and with them standing in this exact spot. It had been another close call, but they had made it out alive. Jim had been bleeding, but had insisted it was nothing.

Spock had reached up to brush the cut on Jim’s cheek with his hand. Jim had leaned into the touch, the whole of his face pressed into Spock’s hand. When Spock leaned in to finally mingle their breaths and taste Jim’s lips, it had all felt like a dream. That was nearly three years ago now.

He was snapped back to the present when he realized he’d placed his hand to the glass as well and was subconsciously sliding it towards Jim’s. Perhaps it was wishful thinking that he briefly believed Jim’s had been sliding towards his as well. He quickly put both his hands behind his back.

“We would often come here after missions. I believed the view helped lower adrenaline levels.” Spock said, the slightest shake to his voice.

“So we did a lot of dangerous stuff?” Jim grinned with excitement.

“I believe it was your trademark.”  Spock said.

Jim laughed, and this time, as Spock felt the pang…he decided not to. For too long he felt that pang. After every laugh or glance not in his direction, Spock would feel as if he and Jim were only ever going to be friends. He meditated for hours over how to stop feeling love for Jim, but the feeling just kept growing.

It developed into the most amazing thing, and Spock was happy. He would not lose that now. Doctor McCoy had suggested the familiar, and what was more familiar than this?

Spock held his breath as he reached across the space between them and took Jim’s hand. Immediately he felt the contentment Jim was feeling, as well as something else.

Where there was usually the rush of love, affection, and occasionally lust from Jim’s end, it was softer this time. Spock was reminded of the times when his own feelings had been emerging. He’d brush Jim’s hand during chess and get the faintest hint that perhaps he wasn’t alone.

It wasn’t until Spock had touched Jim’s cheek that day and felt pure love, that he finally let himself kiss Jim. Perhaps the amnesia had made Jim forget the details, but nothing could erase the way they felt. Jim loved him, even if he did not remember. Spock could feel it, though it was now dwelling as a slight crush. It was almost precious.

“…So, what other stuff did we do together…before?” Jim asked, casually lacing their fingers together. From the corner of his eye, Spock could see the flush on his cheeks.

“We would often play chess together.” Spock said, testing the waters by gently rubbing his thumb across Jim’s knuckles. “Perhaps back in our quarters, we can play. You can also look around and see if anything seems familiar.”

“Okay, that sounds like a good idea.” Jim smiled and they started towards the doors. “But uh, I’m not sure if I remember how to play chess.”

“That is alright.” Spock gently squeezed Jim’s hand. “I will help you remember.”


	2. Chapter 2

Jim walked carefully through the quarters he apparently shared with Spock, gently touching items on shelves and letting his eyes scan the spines of books. It seemed well lived in, and the clothes on the floor gave him an insight on his personality. He momentarily considered tossing them in the laundry, until he realized that if he wasn’t the type of person to do that before, then there was hardly any use in starting now.

Spock seemed to read Jim’s mind, and gathered the clothes and dropping them down the laundry chute. Jim turned away with slightly pink cheeks and scanned the shelves once more.

“Hey, is this us?” Jim took a framed photograph down from a shelf.

“Indeed. That was the day of our bonding ceremony.” Spock said, standing at Jim’s shoulder to look down at the photo.

In it, Jim recognized that they were dressed in what must have been ceremonial robes from Vulcan. They were surrounded by people that Jim didn’t recognize. Well, he recognized Sulu and McCoy, but no one else. There was one thing that really caught his eye, though. The fact that in the photo, he and Spock were embracing. Jim’s arms were around Spock’s neck, their faces pressed together.

“We look happy.” Jim said softly.

“We are.” Spock said. Jim was moved by the fact that Spock said _are_ rather than _were._ “There are more photographs if you wish to see.”

“Yeah!”

Spock pulled down another larger digital frame from a higher shelf, and Jim swiped through the photos. Most were of the two of them, apparently taken by Jim himself, as his arm was extended in many. A few caught people in the background, McCoy being a prominent figure, as well as the same group of people.

The last one made something twinge inside of Jim. It was a picture of himself, but not one he had taken. In fact, he seemed utterly unware of the camera, sitting on the rocky surface of Vulcan and staring out into the sunset. It was a lot more artistic than the others, and Jim just knew that Spock must have taken it.

Jim sat down on the couch, still staring down at the photo, when something made him gasp. Something furry and graceful jumped into his lap. It was a sleek black cat with white paws and large yellow eyes.

“Hello…” Jim scratched the cat behind the ears and it settled down into his lap. “We have a cat?”

“You gave him to me on our first anniversary.” Spock said from where he was preparing drinks from the replicator.

“What’s his name?” Jim asked, wincing when the cat got comfortable by sinking its claws into his lap. Color rose in Spock’s cheeks a moment before he answered.

“Kan-bu…” He brought two mugs of tea to the table and sitting down on the couch beside Jim.

“What’s that mean in Vulcan?” Jim asked, unsure how he even knew that’s what it was.

Spock seemed to stall by taking a long sip of tea before answering. Jim found this very amusing, and didn’t try to hide his smile.

“It means…baby.”

“What!” Jim’s entire face broke out into a grin. “So this cat is like our baby!?”

He wrapped his arms around it and it yelped, digging its claws in further. When Jim let go in pain, the cat jumped off of his lap and went to Spock instead, leaping onto his shoulder and sending Jim a reproachful look.

“That is what you insist on calling him.” Spock said from over the rim of his cup, the smallest twinge of a smile at his lips. “You had already named him before you gave him to me, and it was too late to change it, as he would not respond to anything else.”

“That’s adorable.” Jim laughed, leaning over to pet the cats head once more.

This caused him to lean very close to Spock, their shoulders nearly touching. Jim could feel the immense heat radiating from him. As Jim gently stroked the cat’s ears, he realized his fingers were inches away from Spock’s ear, also with the same sort of adorable point.

It had been surprisingly nice, earlier when Spock had held his hand on the observation deck. As much as Jim wanted to recreate that warm feeling, he also felt sort of weird about being the one to initiate it, even if he did want to touch that ear.

“So, uh…how long have we been…together?” Jim asked, busying his hands by reaching for his mug. The warmth from the drink was nice, even if it wasn’t like the warmth from Spock.

“We have been romantically involved for almost three years, and we have been bonded for a little over two years.” Spock said.

“Wow.” Jim was satisfied with this, but he didn’t really know how to respond. That sure seemed like a long time. He settled back against the arm of the couch and sipped his tea.

“You may ask me anything you wish to know about your life, and I will answer it to the best of my ability.” Spock said.

“Hmm…” Jim subconsciously reached one hand to clutch at his side, just under his ribs where he seemed to empathetically feel Spock’s earlier devastation. He didn’t feel that now, but rather contentment, though he was unsure if it was Spock’s or his own. He thought about asking about it, but something else came out instead.  “How did we meet?”

Jim listened, laughing accordingly as Spock relayed a tale of a noble professor faced with a cheating cadet. Jim thought it was hard to believe that he’d do that, but apparently the captain who throws his clothes on the floor also has no problem with cheating.

Spock went on to explain the rest of the story, going glossy eyed and rushing past the destruction of Vulcan. Jim sucked in a breath and curled his hands tighter around his mug, but it was cold now. He took a chance, sitting up and reaching across the small space to place his hand on top of Spock’s.

Spock looked down at their hands, and then to Jim. Jim was smiling, but silently praying this wasn’t random and weird. Spock shifted his hand to lace their fingers together before continuing the story.

“And then Admiral Pike was relieved, you took his place here, and after some…persuasion, I stayed with you.” Spock finished.

“A nice ending…” Jim said, unable to think of much other than the pleasant warmth that seemed to be spreading up from where their hands touched.

“Not quite.” Spock said. “It did not all proceed as smoothly as one may have hoped. You and I still had the tendency to…enthusiastically disagree.”

“Wait, we still didn’t get along?” Jim asked with a pang of guilt. “Well, what changed?”

“I believe it was only a matter of getting to know one another. To know our strengths and weaknesses, as well as how we are alike and how we are different. Once that was understood, it was a lot easier…there was much more mutual respect.”

None of that sounded like the epic sort of romance he’d had going on in his head, even if it was more realistic. There was still the burning question in his mind of how it all started. How did mutual respect evolve into that great crushing amazing feeling Jim had felt back in med bay when Spock had held his hand?

Who had made the first move? If Jim was the kind of person to cheat and throw clothes on the floor, was he also the type of person to make the first move? He had the image in his head of him grabbing Spock by the front of the uniform one day and crushing their mouths together. For one fleeting moment, he thought it may have been his memory resurfacing, until he realized it must just be a fantasy.

“So, chess?” Jim asked feebly, settling for asking those sort of questions later.

Spock set up the board and explained what each piece did. Jim tried to listen, but he found it hard when he was watching the way Spock’s fingers fit around the pieces rather than what he was actually saying. That just got him realizing…well, they must have had sex before. After all, they had been married quite a while. He stared down at Spock’s hand that was now resting on the table as he contemplated his first move.

“Hey,” Jim asked, looking down at his own hand. “If we’re married, why don’t we wear rings?”

To Jim’s surprise, Spock seemed very caught off guard by the question. He averted his eyes, going greener than usual, and casually slipped his hands off the table and into his lap.

“It is…not the Vulcan way.” Spock said, staring intently off to the side.

“Oh.” Jim managed, feeling spikes of nerves in that spot under his ribs. That did make sense, considering that they seemed to have had a Vulcan wedding, based on the photos.

They went back to the game, Jim determined to move past the awkwardness by asking more questions, this time about himself. Spock told him how Jim had come from a small Iowa town, and grew up with minimal parental supervision. Apparently Jim also had a brother, but Spock said he wasn’t sure how often they spoke.

“What about…trivial stuff?” Jim asked, looking down at the board where he was losing horribly. “What’s my favorite color?”

Again, Spock averted his gaze. “You have informed me on several occasions that it is green.” With the slight tinge still on his cheeks, Jim had a feeling that was about right.

❖ ❖ ❖

“ _Access Denied.”_

_“Access Denied.”_

“Dammit…”

Jim growled, trying something else on the keypad once more, and getting the same results. Spock had a few more things to take care of in the science labs before he would be able to free himself for duties for as long as Jim needed.

Jim didn’t mind this free time, as it was a chance to look around once more. The only downside, other than the constant bombarding from random crewmembers asking if he remembered them, was that he didn’t know any of the codes to get into certain areas of the ship. What kind of captain was he?

“ _Access Denied.”_ The computer said.

“Dammit!”

Jim glanced over his shoulder as someone stepped up beside Jim and pressed a few buttons. Jim watched what they did, attempting to memorize it.

 _“Access Granted.”_ The door slid open.

“Thanks.” Jim looked sideways at the person. It was a younger man that Jim recognized from the photographs in his quarters.

“No trouble.” He smiled. “How are you? Hikaru says you feel fine…you just…”

“Don’t remember anything.” Jim finished with a sigh, shoving his hands in his pockets. “It sucks, but I feel like I shouldn’t complain because Spock and McCoy are both trying so hard…”

“You should not feel bad. I would be frustrated if it were me. My name is Pavel Chekov, since you can’t remember.” He smiled and the two of them stepped into the room that was now unlocked.

It looked a lot like some sort of office. There was a computer terminal on the desk facing a wide window, beyond which stars were visible. Jim found himself immediately drawn to the window once more.

“And look at this.” Chekov turned on the computer. “You have all your logs to listen to, so you can see if maybe you remember anything. If not, I suppose it is still a nice way to get caught up.”

“Thanks.” Jim dragged himself away from the window with great reluctance and sat down at the computer.

“I was there when it happened, you know.” Chekov said softly. “I was helping Mr. Scott, and you were trying to take a look at something we were talking about, when you slipped on the rung of the ladder. You bashed your head and there was blood…Jaylah was screaming, she really thought you died, I guess.”

“Ouch…” Jim remembered the way it’d still throbbed when he’d woken up.

“But Mr. Spock picked you up off the floor and took you right to Dr. McCoy. I supposed you are lucky he is strong to carry you.”

“Wait, Spock was there?”

“Well, no, but he knew you were hurt because of your link…” Chekov must have sensed Jim still looked blank, because he went on, somewhat more nervous now. “Well, I don’t know how it works, but when you get Vulcan-married, you can feel each other’s thoughts and emotions and stuff. It has come in handy when either of you are being held hostage, you could just tell the other where you are…”

Jim absentmindedly reached for that spot just beneath his ribs where he’d been feeling Spock’s emotions. The Vulcan heart…of course. Spock must have done something to hold back recently for Jim’s sake, because he’d yet to feel anything as strong as when Spock had taken Jim’s hand in both of his back in the med bay. That had been the most amazing feeling. It sucked that it was gone now.

“Well, I have to go back now.” Chekov said. “Grab anyone’s attention if you need it, they’ll be glad to help.”

Alone with his thoughts, Jim scrolled through all the logs on the computer. He chuckled as he heard his own voice describe in overly-theatric details, what could only be embellishments of the missions they went on. Despite what Spock said about danger, Jim knew there was no way they faced this many Klingons.

_“Captain’s Log. Stardate –“_

He’d just been starting a new one, when the door opened. The woman stood at the doorway and they both listened to Jim’s voice yell about supernovas for a second before Jim turned it off, too oddly embarrassed to let it run.

“So, what, this guy was a real show-off?” Jim asked awkwardly.

“Something like that.” She laughed. “He’s the kind of person that grows on you, though.” She looked at him a moment longer, something on her face that Jim couldn’t read. After a moment, she sighed and shook her head. “I cannot believe there were actual times when I wished we’d never met…and now.”

“I’m sorry…” Jim said truthfully. “Everyone feels sorry for me, but it’s gotta be worse for you, I mean, you all remember what I used to be like. I don’t remember anything, so I don’t miss anything. And plus, it’s not so bad…to suddenly find yourself captain with a really good-looking husband…”

She laughed again, crossing the room to stare out the window. He took the chance to join her. “You can ask us anything, you know.” She said.

“Everyone keeps saying that, but I don’t have anything I really want to know.” The only questions that kept popping up in his mind were about Spock. When did they fall in love? Who said it first? What did those lips feel like…those hands?

 “Well, it will on come back to you on New Vulcan, then.” She said. “Spock seems sure, at least. Until then, I guess just try not to get underfoot of those who are trying to work. I have a lot of First Officer duties now that I’m picking up the slack.”

“I promise.” He couldn’t help but laugh. It was so telling, the way everyone seemed to talk to him so differently. This woman and McCoy both seemed to tease and insult him, while Chekov and some of the others seemed to speak only with the highest of respects.

“I’ll see you.” She turned on her heels. She was half-way out the door before Jim called after her.

“Hey, wait…what’s your name?”

She hesitated a moment before answering. “Nyota. You can call me Nyota.”

❖ ❖ ❖

“Are you sure I’m good at this game?” Jim asked that night over the chessboard. Spock had just captured one of his pieces.

“You are. Though, it may take time for you to resume your old strategy…or, lack of strategy. I believe you are just thinking too much.”

“I really doubt that.” Jim stared down at Spock’s hand, still holding a piece. He couldn’t think about anything with all of these questions in his head. He yawned loudly, eyes lazily scanning the board for a move.

“If you are tired, we can continue another time.” Spock said.

“Yeah, alright.” Jim yawned again and stood up. Kan-bu slipped from his lap with a protesting yowl, but followed him into the bathroom, winding around his ankles as he brushed his teeth.

“I have cleared the other officers to take over my work for the next two point five weeks.” Spock said, standing beside Jim at the double sink and proceeding to grab his own toothbrush. “That is approximately the time until we reach New Vulcan.”

“Good.” Jim was secretly very pleased that he’d have Spock all to himself for this time. “You know…” Jim rinsed his mouth and placed a hand over the spot under his ribs. “You don’t have to block our link, or whatever.”

Jim watched Spock’s eyes widen in the mirror, and felt the spike of emotion in the spot under his hand. Spock’s face went impassive a second later, and Jim had to wait for him to rinse before he answered. “I was attempting to be considerate…”

“I know,” Jim reached across the counter and placed his hand on Spock’s. “But I like feeling what you feel. Isn’t that why we got married?”

“Very well.” Spock nodded, and Jim felt a pleasantness buzz in his head that he attributed to both of them.

In the bedroom, Jim stood at a loss. Spock seemed prepared though, and told Jim which drawers were his. Jim opened them and saw that, not only did he shove things in here without folding them, they in no way resembled anything Starfleet issued.

Rebel, Jim thought to himself as he unabashedly tugged off his shirt and pants and pulled on the t-shirt and sweats he’d pulled from a wad in the drawer.

Jim paused his t-shirt halfway over his head in order to watch Spock. Spock seemed unaware, stripping off his clothes as if it were the usual. Jim sucked in a breath as Spock’s bare chest was revealed. It was lean, but with a thick patch of dark hair. Jim watched, disappointed when it was finally covered by a pajama shirt.

“So, um, which side do I usually take?” Jim asked, standing at the foot of the bed.

“You…wish for us to share tonight?” Spock asked.

“McCoy said to do what’s familiar.” Jim tried to sound nonchalant, but he knew Spock could now feel his nerves.

“He did say that.” Spock agreed. “In that case, I must inform you that you did not take one side, rather, you took the very middle, and insisted I _deal with it,_ in your own words.”

“God! Was I an asshole!?” Jim laughed loudly as he leapt onto the bed and rolled to the farthest end by the wall.

“You just have a lot of personality, again, your own words.” Spock said as he got under the covers next to Jim.

Jim felt the cat jump onto the bed and curl up by their feet. Spock turned off the light and Jim felt heaviness in his eyelids. He closed them, but sleep would not come. He was hyperaware of Spock beside him, the heat of his body and the sound of his breathing.

“There is one other familiar thing we do at night. This may help you sleep.” Spock said.

“Um…” Jim was so glad Spock could not see how deep he was blushing in the darkness. “Okay…”

There was a rustle under the covers and Jim felt his hand slip into Spock’s once more. A moment later, Spock’s foot settled against his foot, and he felt an immense calm.

“Does this make you uncomfortable?” Spock asked, his foot shifting slightly.

“Nah.” Jim smiled. “I like it…” He closed his eyes. He slipped into a dream, hearing his own voice.

 

“I don’t see why you can’t just wear the damn thing, Spock!” Jim grumbled from his side of the couch. As the day of their bonding ceremony grew closer, Jim was finding his fiancé to be more and more impossible, where he was usually the rational one.

 “Jim, I thought we already agreed that the ceremony would be Vulcan.” Spock said evenly. “Vulcans do not use wedding rings.”

“That’s so stupid and trivial! You know this is important to me…you can’t make an exception? You are marrying a human, you know.” Jim looked down at the table where the black velvet box sat, its contents only looked at by Spock for a split second before he’d snapped it closed, deciding against it.

“I am aware. And you are marrying a Vulcan, therefore, you should understand…”

“Well I don’t!” Jim hated when they fought, mostly because he was the only one to raise his voice. It was really hard to argue with someone who showed no emotion. “Why can’t you wear it for just a little while? I’m not saying you have to wear it all the time….”

“Jim…” Spock’s impassiveness broke, a nervous look replaced it as he too looked down at the box.

“I don’t understand.” Jim sighed. “Is it because it’s human? Because, I’m human? Are you ashamed of me?”

“T’hy’la, never!” Spock looked startled. He looked down at the box for a moment longer. “It is…a trivial reason why I cannot wear your ring.”

“What?” Jim asked, secretly hoping Spock didn’t think it was ugly.

“Vulcans never wear hand jewelry…” Spock averted his gaze, a deep green settling on his cheeks. “Because of how sensitive our hands are.”

“Oh!” Jim wasn’t sure noise even left his mouth.

Spock blushed harder, still not looking at Jim. Jim smiled and reached for the box. He took the ring out and carefully held it in his palm.

“Give me your hand, Spock.”

Spock’s gaze finally went back to his, fully of apprehension. Jim just smiled reassuringly, and after a moment, Spock extended his left hand. Jim moved closer on the couch, their bodies pressed together.

With one hand, he gently held Spock’s wrist, and with the other, he slid the ring on his finger. Spock gasped audibly, blushing even deeper as Jim held his fingers around the ring, his eyes locked with Spock’s. Jim gently spun the ring on Spock’s finger as Spock’s breath came faster and faster.

“Maybe you can just wear it sometimes…in private…for me?” Jim asked.

Spock didn’t answer, he just leaned over and kissed Jim. Jim held Spock’s hand in both of his as they kissed, cradling the hand as if it were the most precious thing in the world. He carefully traced two fingers across Spock’s in a Vulcan kiss. Throughout his body, he could feel that overwhelming love and lust…Spock tasted so good…

Jim’s eyes flew open. He was back in bed, gasping and achingly hard. His hand was no longer in Spock’s. His entire body was tangled in the sheets. He rolled and attempted to free himself by thrashing.

“Jim? Are you alright?” Spock asked from the other side of the bed.

“I’m fine…” Jim’s voice was rasping. “Just a…weird dream.”

Once the blankets were straight, he turned his back to Spock and attempted to fall back asleep, but it wouldn’t come. He couldn’t very well ask for Spock’s hand now, though, not after that. It was a memory. It had to be. Earlier when he’d imagined grabbing and kissing Spock, that was so much different that the dream. The dream had to be a memory of before...Vulcans and sensitive hands. And to think they’d held hands in the observation deck, and again just before falling asleep. His head was spinning for a while before he finally fell back asleep. He was really remembering things!

The next morning, Jim was nervous about approaching the subject. He shoved away any awkwardness with the justification that any memory, no matter how miniscule, was a victory for them.

“I…I think I remembered something last night.” Jim said over a mug of coffee Spock had made him. Jim had trusted Spock to know what he liked, and he wasn’t disappointed.

“You did?” Spock looked up from his tea and porridge. “What did you remember?”

“I…” Jim felt the color rising in his face in spite of himself as he looked down at Spock’s left hand on the table. Holding his breath, Jim reached over and carefully traced two fingers over the back of Spock’s fingers, just as he’d done in the dream.

Immediately he felt a much stronger rush of love and affection. This one was much more akin to the one he’d felt in med bay. He smiled and looked up at Spock.

Spock was looking down at their hands, and then up at Jim’s face with shining eyes. They sat there, feeling that shared love spread between them, before it gently faded into something softer.

“I am…pleased that you remember.” Spock said, a small smile on his face.

“Me too. I mean, I’d been fine with remembering anything, but I’m glad it was this.”

After breakfast, Spock asked Jim if he’d like to take a walk to the botany garden (another familiar place). Jim was excited about the idea of plants on the ship, and went to get dressed.

“Now, Jim.” Spock said from the doorway, standing so that he was not watching Jim get changed. “Whatever you remember…whatever you feel through the link…no matter what, you do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. For your sake, we can go as slow as you like.”

Jim did not answer at first. He’d opened a drawer looking for socks, and his eyes had fallen on a small velvet box in the drawer. He shook slightly, his face burning and hands clamming.

“Um…yeah.” He shut the drawer. “Thanks Spock.” As nice as the Vulcan-kiss over breakfast had been, slow sounded nice as well. Slow, and he’d get there on his own.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “As for Spock…” McCoy reached for his drink and downed it all, as if he needed to be buzzed to say this. “He loves you. He doesn’t care that you can’t remember, I honestly think he’s having fun with all of this.”
> 
> “Fun?” Jim asked bluntly, his face full of disbelieve.
> 
> “You know,” He didn’t look up, but Jim could see he was going red. “Taking you around…holding your hand…cooking for you. He likes it. Honestly, it reminds me of how you two were when you first got together. If worse comes to worse, and you really never remember…he’d be just fine taking care of you forever. Spock is a sap like that.”

“You know, you usually put that thing away when I come over…” McCoy grumbled, eyeing Kan-bu suspiciously.

“Why, are you afraid of him or something?” Jim grinned as he scratched the cat behind the eyes.

Its purring vibrated through his whole lap and made him feel all fuzzy inside, or perhaps that was just due to how close he was getting with Spock. The past three days had been full of Spock taking Jim to familiar locations.

They’d held hands most of the time, but Jim had been nervous about going further than that. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Spock, just…sometimes he got this guilty feeling, like he was messing around with _someone else’s_ husband. This same someone else’s whose logs Jim had been listening to, and who’s emails Jim had read. He was apparently a very well-liked person, and Jim wondered if he’d ever be that again.

“I just don’t like the way it stares at me.” McCoy grumbled, averting his eyes.

“I guess I’ll put him in the bedroom until Spock gets back, and then I’ll let him out when we leave.” Jim scooped up the purring cat and took him into the bedroom, dropping him on the bedroom before closing the door.

“So, what is it that you’re doing today?” McCoy asked.

“Spock wouldn’t tell me.” Jim shrugged, going back to the couch. “He said it was a surprise.”

“Spock? Planning a surprise?” McCoy chuckled. “That’s not like him at all.”

As far as Jim could remember, having only memories of Spock from the past three days, he had to agree that Spock seemed more like the type of person to plan every day down to the most minute detail, than the type to plan a surprise.

Still, Jim figured it had to do with helping him remember things. Their trips to familiar parts of the ship as well as Spock’s preparation of Jim’s favorite meals (Jim took Spock’s word that they were his favorite, and wasn’t disappointed), was all supposed to jog his memory, but he’d yet to have another breakthrough like he’d had with that dream.

“What if it doesn’t work.” Jim sighed, finally letting his doubts get the best of him. He’d been trying to stay optimistic in front of both Spock and McCoy, but he decided he’d rather dump this all on McCoy than Spock or anyone else. “I mean…what if I never remember? And we get to Vulcan…and nothing happens?”

“Spock told me you remembered something in a dream?” McCoy raised an eyebrow in a way that made Jim wonder if he got that habit from Spock. “That means it’s not lost. It’s still in there…and I’ve seen that…mind stuff they do. They’ll get it out.”

“I want it to work…” Jim sighed. His hands shook and he wished the cat was back in his lap. “Because if I don’t remember my old self…then…”

“Then what? You think Starfleet will kick you out?”

“Then he’ll stop loving me!” Jim hadn’t realized he’d stood up from the couch, he was so worked up. “He fell in love with Captain Kirk, and if I can’t be that…”

“Stop that right now.” McCoy said so sternly that Jim was taken aback for a moment. He wordlessly sat back down, crossing his legs. “I’ve known you both for a long time, and I know for a fact that you love each other. Nothing at all is gonna change that. The fact that you care more about him than anything, even when you can’t remember before proves it.”

Jim didn’t say anything, he just subconsciously placed a hand over that spot where he was always feeling Spock empathetically. He had to admit that he did crave Spock’s attention and touches, even when it also made him nervous. Maybe McCoy was right…was this love? He couldn’t remember...but he definitely liked it.

“As for Spock…” McCoy reached for his drink and downed it all, as if he needed to be buzzed to say this. “He loves you. He doesn’t care that you can’t remember, I honestly think he’s having fun with all of this.”

“Fun?” Jim asked bluntly, his face full of disbelieve.

“You know,” He didn’t look up, but Jim could see he was going red. “Taking you around…holding your hand…cooking for you. He _likes_ it. Honestly, it reminds me of how you two were when you first got together. If worse comes to worse, and you really never remember…he’d be just fine taking care of you forever. Spock is a sap like that.”

It was like a weighted blanket was slipping from his shoulders. He couldn’t help the smile from his face. He had to trust McCoy was right, it made him feel much better, plus it made sense. Not one person around here seemed eager to give up on him, so Spock wouldn’t either.

“And another thing.” McCoy actually reached over and placed a hand on his arm. “If you’re actually expecting yourself to be like the Kirk you’ve listened to in your logs, then you’re chasing a fantasy. That’s just an act.”

“An act?”

“The _real_ Jim Kirk isn’t like that guy at all. Ask those of us who know…” He grinned and stood up, not even wavering despite the drink. “The real Jim Kirk is _soft.”_

“Soft…” Jim whispered almost inaudibly as he felt the largest wave of relief yet.

“Yep. Now I gotta get back to sick bay.” He started to the door. “Don’t worry so much. Just focus on taking it easy until we get to New Vulcan.”

“Okay...” But Jim was already in his own head, trying to imagine what sort of soft thing Spock had planned for them. “Thanks for coming over Leonard.”

“You know, you _never_ call me that…” McCoy chuckled, one hand out towards the door.

“I don’t?” Jim figured that if they were apparently close enough friends that hanging out together counted as a familiar thing, then surely they called each other by their first names.

“No…you call me Bones.”

“What kind of nickname is that?” Jim just stared at him.

“I’ve been asking myself that for years.” He laughed. “See you later.”

Jim went to the bedroom as soon as McCoy was gone and opened the door. Kan-bu strolled out, yowling loud in protest about being shut up. He wound around Jim’s ankles and looked up at him with wide yellow eyes.

“Hi, baby…” Jim whispered, scooping him up. He held the cat close to his face for a moment, feeling its purr and trying to imagine what it must have been like when he gave it to Spock. Did he spend hours in a pet store trying to find the perfect kitten, or did he pick him out of a litter of strays? What did Spock say when Jim dropped the kitten in his lap?

“I wish you could talk.” Jim said, holding the cat up to look into its eyes. It only blinked slowly at him. He suddenly felt a rush of affection for the creature. “Damn…I really am soft.”

❖ ❖ ❖

Spock finally stood up from the floor of the observation deck and admired what he’d spent all afternoon setting up. With the blanket spread out, the candles, and the food, it was almost an exact replica of the picnic date Jim had made for him as one of their first dates. There were only a few differences.

One difference, was the location. The picnic Jim had prepared had been on a time of shore leave on the beach. He’d taken into account that Spock might find the sand comforting, despite the fact that Earth’s wet sand was vastly different from Vulcan’s dry sand. But Spock had still found it touching, as it was the thought that counted.

Another difference was lack of music. Spock had successfully disconnected the intercom speakers in the observation deck so they would not be disturbed and instead hooked up Jim’s very primitive CD player. It had taken a while, and Spock was almost grateful Jim did not remember how to do it either, so Spock would not be tempted to ask for help. Finally, it was all ready. The only thing left was that the CD in question.

As if on cue, there was a chime at the door. Spock had told everyone not to come here and disturb them, so he knew the person at the door would be the one person he allowed to bring the music.

He opened the door and greeted Jaylah. “This is the right one?”

“Yes. It is the one James T said was his favorite when he gave to me. Now I give it to you, so that you can help him remember.” She ginned and handed him the flat plastic case.

“Thank you.”

“You are…helping him remember?” Jaylah asked, looking behind him at the picnic set up on the floor. “That’s what all this is for?”

“Yes.” Spock insisted as he realized how unconventional this method may look. “It is hard work, which is why I informed you all we should not be bothered.”

“Work? Oh alright.” She didn’t really look like she believed him, but she thankfully did not press the subject, turning to go back to engineering.

Spock let out a sigh of relief and took the CD over to the CD player and put it in. As the sound of soft electric guitars filled the room, Spock knew at once this was the right one. He paused it and took one last calming breath before going to get Jim.

Despite the fact that Jim could not remember anything, Spock had been greatly enjoying the past few days together. He’d made all of Jim’s favorite meals and took him all around the ship, holding hands in a way they hadn’t done in quite a while, due to both having been busy with work.

Any time they passed a window, Jim would have to take a moment to stare out at the stars. He always apologized afterwards for holding them up, but Spock did not mind it at all. In moments like that, with Jim’s eyes full of wonder at the cosmos, Spock was always reminded of the person he fell in love with, and how that person was very much still here.

Spock opened the door to their quarters and saw Jim standing in the living room and holding Kan-bu like a baby. He startled and dropped the cat, which landed gracefully on its feet and darted under the couch.

“I did not mean to frighten you.” Spock said.

“You didn’t. I was just...talking to the cat.” He admitted, slightly red in the face.

“You often talk to him as if he had the intelligence to understand you.” Spock assured him.

“Well, he’s a good listener.” He said, relieved.

“It is time to go.” Spock offered his hand, which Jim took quite eagerly.

Spock could feel trust through their bond as their hands touches, where as in the past few days he’d only really felt that small bit of affection that could be defined as what humans called a crush. He looked up at Jim’s face in almost-surprise. While affection was a sign that Jim did care for him, trust was ultimately more of a factor in real love. 

“What is it?” Jim asked, a slight smirk on his face as he noticed Spock staring.

“It is…nothing.” Spock turned away, feeling himself blush as he started towards the door, pulling Jim along with him. “I believe you will find what I have set up to be quite…satisfactory.”

They walked down the corridor hand in hand. Spock was grateful they passed no one, and knew everyone was obeying his orders for them to stay out of their way. He knew they were just as eager to help Jim in that way.

“In here?” Jim placed his free hand on the door. Spock nodded, and Jim opened it.

Jim had obviously been expecting the observation deck to look as it normally did. Spock couldn’t help the pride and satisfaction from his face as he saw the way Jim’s smile widened. He gazed around the room, eyes settling on the blanket.

“I believe it is a satisfactory version of the same thing you prepared for me very early on in our relationship.” Spock said, still watching Jim’s face.

“ _I…_ did this?” Jim asked, his cheeks going pink.

“You did.” Spock nodded. “On the beach. It was very…romantic.”

He watched at Jim slowly walked towards the blanket, holding Spock’s hand until the last possible second. He sat down, still looking around with an amazed look on him face.

Spock turned the music on once more before sitting next to Jim on the blanket. He reached for the basket and took out a bowl of strawberries.

“Are these my favorite?” Jim asked, picking one up.

“I am not sure, but they are what we ate that day. This time, however, without the chocolate.”

“Aw, why not?” He shoved the berry into his mouth and wipe the juice from his chin with the back of his hand.

“Vulcans…rarely eat chocolate.” Spock said, trying not to stare. He figured it best to leave it at that, but after a moment, he reconsidered. The last time he’d purposely omitted information from a question Jim asked, Jim just ended up remembering anyways.

Furthermore, he was still very pleasantly dazed from the immense feeling of trust from Jim, and didn’t want to put that to waste. “Because the effects are closely comparable to the effects of alcohol on humans. I thought it best to abstain from that for the time being.”

He looked down at Jim’s hand on the blanket. He wanted to feel that trust again, but he did not want to take Jim’s hand without asking. He instead just placed his own hand inches from Jim’s, letting Jim know it was okay to take it if he wanted. It all reminded him very much of when they first started their relationship.

“Oh, yeah, I get it.” Jim nodded. His eyes still fixated on the window as he reached over and placed his hand on top of Spock’s, lacing their fingers together. “Today while you were gone, Bones came over and he had a drink. But, I didn’t want one…even though he says we always drink together. Is that weird?”

“It is not.” Spock assured him, tightening his hold on Jim’s hand for just a second. He noted Jim’s use of his preferred nickname for the doctor, and couldn’t help but enjoy its familiarity.

“But if he says we always drink, doesn’t that mean I’m different now?” Jim pulled his hand away and put both of them in his lap just as Spock could feel a brush of the negative emotions.

“Jim…look at me.” Spock sat up straighter and crossed his legs. Jim tore his eyes away from the window and did the same. After a second of consideration, Spock reached down and picked up both of Jim’s hands in his, so that Jim could feel the love Spock had for him.

Jim’s eyes widened and Spock knew he was feeling it. His face flushed but he did not pull his hands away, only wrapping his fingers tighter.

“Jim, I do not care if you cannot remember. I would not care if you are different now. You are always going to be perfect for me no matter what changes about you.” Spock looked into Jim’s eyes, and saw the unmistakable shininess of tears. Only on a select few occasions did their times together end in tears. All of those times had been from confessions of emotions, and never sadness.

“Bones says you like doing this.” Jim smiled sheepishly and nodded at the fruit basket by the CD player. “He says you like taking care of me.”

“I do enjoy it.” Spock rubbed his thumbs across Jim’s knuckles. “And I would do it for however long as you need…”

Jim was quiet for a moment, his eyes down at their joined hands. Spock could feel the affection and trust between them and wanted nothing more than to pull Jim into his arms completely, and hold him and feel him until it slowly grew into love.

But that was not practical. That wasn’t how it happened before. Spock had been patient in waiting for Jim to return his feelings. And he would be patient again.

“If I never remember…” Jim’s voice was so soft, Spock had to lean in to hear him. Their foreheads brushed together. “Would you let me stay here with you anyways?”

“I would.” Spock said, and he felt no contempt. He knew it was extremely unlikely that Jim never remembered, but instead of pointing that out, he knew it would be better to simply validate his feelings. “I would take care of you.”

He found himself leaning in, despite his better judgement. It was almost instinctive. There was the faintest trace of tears on his lashes, and Spock wanted nothing more than to dry them. He could feel his own heart slamming in his side and his breath hitching in his throat as he closed his eyes. It was just like the first time.

There was a spike of uncertainty that was not his own. Spock opened his eyes and saw Jim leaned a fraction of an inch away from him. That was enough to pull him back to reality. Spock gently dropped Jim’s hands and with every ounce of Vulcan training was able to keep his face impassive and keep his disappointment shielded from Jim.

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“I am sorry.”_

They said it at the same time. The awkwardness budged slightly, and they were left with the realization of what had almost just happened. Spock moved away from Jim, and Jim reached for his hand once more.

“I’m just…not ready.” Jim whispered, his eyes going to the window.

“I understand.” Spock said, and he meant it.

“Come on, these strawberries aren’t gonna eat themselves.” Jim laughed and reached for the basket.

Though Jim was not ready to kiss Spock, he seemed comfortable enough to sit closer and closer as the night wore on. The CD played on and as it finished and started up again, Jim was laying with his head in Spock’s lap.

Spock gently let his fingers trace through Jim’s hair the way he knew the human liked. Jim’s eyes closed and his breathing slowed. Spock thought he might be asleep, until he spoke again.

“Tell me…something about before. A story about something we did.”

“Alright.” Spock saw Jim’s eyes were still closed so he allowed himself to smile softly. He could feel the trust in their bond once more, and that made him very content. “There was the time you allowed yourself to get captured by the enemy…” Spock launched into the story, watching the way Jim laughed at certain parts, reminding him how much he loved this human.

“How did…this happen?” Jim whispered, reaching up to brush the back of his hand along the curve of Spock’s mouth. “How did we first get together? I know…you said we were friends and we got closer, but what really happened?”

“We were close.” Spock whispered, looking down at Jim and savoring his touch. “I began to see you in a different way. It took me a long time to realize what I was seeing, and what I was feeling. I became…devastated, that this would ruin our friendship.” Spock had said all of this before, only once, the night he kissed Jim.

“I did nothing. I tried not to let my feelings for you interfere with the way we worked together, but ultimately, I could not help myself…”

“What did you do?” Jim asked, eyes widening.

“I would read your emotions.” Spock whispered, blushing furiously. “I just simply wanted to know if I was alone. I felt how deeply you cared for me, but it was not enough. I was…”

“What?” Jim whispered, gently touching Spock’s face more.

“I was falling in love with you.” Spock said. He could feel only certainty now through the bond, and took that to mean it was alright for him to lean into the touch. “So, I began to spend more time with you, and less time doing extra work. This did not go unnoticed, especially by the doctor.”

“He teased you?” Jim laughed.

“He asked me what I was doing…if I thought becoming closer to you was beneficial to the crew.” Spock couldn’t help but feel great amusement at the memory. “I told him that was not my intention…it was not the crew I was concerned with. I considered every option before I spoke, but in the end, Vulcans cannot lie. Furthermore, I especially could not lie to him, as he would be able to tell. I told him the truth. I told him I was in love with you.”

“W-what the heck did he say to _that_?”

“It was just after a mission. He was supposed to be making sure I was not injured, but apparently that no longer mattered. He grabbed me by the arm –not something you should do to a Vulcan, and took me…here. I opened the doors, and you were inside, watching the stars.”

“What did you do?” Jim was so enthralled that he seemed not to notice his hand was still brushing Spock’s face.

“I knew we’d been growing closer…perhaps it was the danger of the mission, but when I touched your face…in that moment, I could feel that you loved me just as I loved you.”

“You kissed me.” Jim said in awed whisper. He pulled his hand back from Spock’s face and blushed. “I don’t remember, but I can imagine.”

“Yes.” Spock looked down at Jim. He wanted nothing more than to hold and kiss him. Very rarely did he get this emotional, even in front of Jim, and he wanted to take advantage of this state of mind. But he did not.  

There was a sudden silence as the CD ended once more. Spock blinked as if suddenly awoken. He looked to the empty basket and then back to Jim.

“It is late now. Come, let us retire to our quarters. I must mediate tonight.” Spock had been skipping it in order to be with Jim when he fell asleep, and it showed. His control and his shields were slipping, and he could not afford another incident of making Jim uncomfortable.

Jim folded the blanket while Spock packed up the basket. Spock kept his hands to himself as they went back to their quarters. The cat greeted them as they opened the door, meowing loudly.

“I am now going to meditate.” Spock started towards the bedroom, but felt Jim grab his hand.

“Wait…” Jim was looking at him uncertainly, still holding his hand. After a moment, he slowly traced two fingers over Spock’s in a Vulcan kiss. “Thanks for the picnic.”

“…It was my pleasure, Jim.” Spock had to stop himself from calling Jim _ashayam_.

Their hands parted after a moment and Spock went into the bedroom. As he lit the incense and changed into his robes, he had to be glad he was getting the chance to meditate.

He needed to be able to control his emotions so that he could properly feel Jim’s, in order to help him. His telepathy must be acting up…for just a moment…for a split second before he and Jim’s hands parted, Spock could have sworn he felt disappointment; disappointment that Spock had not kissed Jim in the human way after all.

 


	4. Chapter 4

 “You…wanna sit there now?” Sulu asked.

Jim eyed the captain’s chair on the bridge and tried to imagine himself there. It certainly looked roomy. Was he the type to put his feet up on the console? He had to say yes, based on the pictures he’d seen.

 “Huh?” Jim looked up, aware all eyes on the bridge were on him. Why couldn’t everyone mind their business? Well, they were probably not very busy, considering it was apparently smooth sailing towards New Vulcan in something like twelve hours. That, and they were all probably eager to try and gauge how he was doing.

He was tempted to say no, but he wasn’t sure why. Truthfully, it would be fun, and something familiar. Probably the last familiar thing on the list of stuff he had to do….well, the last _professional thing._ He was still a mouth-virgin with his own husband…and every other sort of virgin too.

Trying to summon the showmanship the old Captain Kirk had, he walked over to the chair and plopped down. There were the sounds of hushed laughter that turned to roars as Jim put his feet up on the console. He had to admit, it was a nice seat, and he could definitely get used to this.

“I think I remember something like this.” He said with a grin, pulling his feet back.

Spock quickly glanced over to make sure Jim hadn’t pushed anything he wasn’t supposed to. Jim laughed, turning in the chair to watch everyone else work. For the past few days, he’d taken to helping Sulu with any of the captain’s duties. The work wasn’t too hard, considering nothing was really going on, but it’d yet to jog any memories.

That wasn’t to say he wasn’t remembering anything at all. Things were definitely coming to him, especially at night, he just didn’t want to think about those things in front of the crew. The memories came in snippets during dreams, usually corresponding with whatever he and Spock did that day. The night after the picnic, Jim dreamed they were sprawled out on a tiny blanket on the sand, a basket of chocolate and strawberries nearby…

“Jim, we can go back to our quarters once I have finish observing the scan Lieutenant Evans has found, alright?” Spock said, snapping Jim back from his thoughts.

“Take your time.” Jim felt like a kid when Spock talked to him like that. Sure, he liked all the attention he was getting from Spock, but he also felt bad about keeping him from all of his work. That just made him feel even worse, because the main thing he wanted to do was to grab Spock and pull him into their room and never let him out. He was very eagerly looking forward to getting his memories back so that he could make out with his husband without feeling weird about it.

“Jim, why don’t you help me with this while Spock works?” Nyota beckoned for him to follow her out to the hall, and he followed with the slightest bit of reluctance at leaving the chair.

“I feel fine.” He said as soon as they were alone. He was sure she was going to lead with that. Everyone did.

“Good.” She smiled. “And, I bet you’re eager for us to get there.”

“Mm.” He crossed his arms. That was an understatement. As days went on, and he heard more and more stories about their relationship, he wanted nothing more than to properly have that with Spock again. But, as he also learned about the sort of person the _real_ Captain Kirk was, he found himself eager to step back into captaincy as well.

He followed her to med bay, feeling marginally scrutinized under the way she kept cutting her eyes at him. Did she think he was going to hurt himself again, or something? At med bay, she gave the paper work to one of the nurses, and he followed her back out, his hands shoved in his pockets.

“So, we’re free for now.” She smiled. “There’s something I wanna ask.”

“Okay…”

“Spock told me about what he’s been doing for you…how it’s been helping you remember.” She started.

“Yeah.” He averted his gaze. Both she and Spock knew he was remembering things in his dreams, but neither knew what those things actually were.

“So, I was thinking…it might help if _you_ did something for him.”

“…Like what?”

“Well,” She sounded a little exasperated. “You’re usually the one who does all the romantic stuff…but you can’t remember, so he’s doing it for you. But, if I help you, you can plan something for him, and it could feel just like old times.”

“Hey, that’s not a bad idea. Why didn’t I think of that?” He grinned. He definitely appreciated everything Spock had been doing for him. What _everyone_ had been doing, actually. They’d all been patient and let him watch them work. Hell, they even rerouted to New Vulcan so he could get his memories back. He’d need to find a good way to say thanks. Once he remembered how, he’d have to put in for extra shore leave.

“You don’t remember…” She was quiet as they stopped in front of a view port. She stared out, thinking. He took the chance to stare out too. “But, we didn’t get along after we first met.”

“You weren’t the only one.” He thought of the noble professor once more. “Apparently I was kind of a jerk…”

“But, I never told you.” She went on as if he hadn’t said anything. “That I’m glad you and Spock got together. I’m glad I work with you.”

He looked at her in surprise. She was staring intently out, and he knew it was just to avoid his eyes. He glanced to the glass, their reflections locking eyes. He wasn’t sure what could have compelled her to say this if their relationship was as rocky as she was implying, except, the accident.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” He grinned and she smiled back.

“Well, they say you can’t miss someone if they never leave.” She laughed. “Here.” She unfolded a piece of paper from her pocket and handed it to him. “It’s vegetarian lasagna…the same recipe I gave you a year ago to make for him.”

“Thanks.” He excitedly scanned the list, mentally checking off what he’d have to replicate. “Wait…I asked you for this before? So, we were friends?”

“Well…” She stared ahead now, and he saw the faintest flush on her cheeks. “You asked me what I thought he’d like.”

“But how would you know?”

“You’re going to remember anyways, so I’ll just tell you. Spock is my ex-boyfriend.” She turned and started back down the hall towards the bridge.

“ _What?”_ He just stared after her.

At the end of the hallway, he watched her turn and almost collide with Spock. He watched them converse quietly for a moment, before Spock came over to him.

“I apologize, but I must go to the labs. I can walk you back to the room if you would like?” Spock asked, offering his hand.

“Yep.” He shoved the paper in his pocket and took Spock’s hand. This was working out better. If Spock was busy long enough, Jim could finish all of the preparations.

As they went back to the room, he couldn’t help but think that he must have really been charming to be able to beat out her for Spock’s affection.

❖ ❖ ❖

Everything seemed to be baking just fine. Jim kept peeking through the oven door anyways, praying nothing was going to blow up.

“What do you think, smells good?” He asked Kan-bu. The cat simply blinked at him.

“Well, I gotta hurry up and set the mood before Spock gets back from the lab. Do we have any fancy china?” Jim started opening random cabinets, but found only plain white plates. He finally grabbed a few and went to set the table. Once the table was set, Jim only had a moment to take the lasagna out before the door opened.

“You’re back!” Jim could feel the heat of the pan through his pot holders, and he quickly dropped the pan on the counter.

“…You have prepared this.” Spock just stared at the set table, holding the papers from the lab close to his chest.

“Yep.” Jim grinned with self-satisfaction that Spock seemed to be reacting just as Jim had reacted to the picnic. There was the subtle spark in his eyes that Jim had started recognizing, and he could feel a pleasant fluttering somewhere around his middle. “I uh, just wanted to thank you for being so patient with me…and all that stuff.”

“It is not a matter of patience, but a matter of upholding the promise I made to you when I vowed to take you in sickness and in health.” Spock said it like a fact, walking over to the desk and placing the work down.

Jim felt a pleasant lurch in his stomach, something akin to the affection for Spock that was rapidly growing. Something about the way he spoke so _logical_ was starting to be something Jim really looked forwards to hearing.

“Sit, and I’ll make you a plate.” Jim said.

He thought he’d be very nervous once this was all ready, but he found he was actually just very content in Spock’s presence as he made plates and set them down. It was second nature at this point to reach over and take his hand.

“Is it as good as last time I made it?” Jim asked, unsure of what answer he wanted to hear.

“You remember making this before?” Spock looked up.

“Well…no…but Nyota told me.” Jim didn’t feel any disappointment from Spock, and actually realized he hadn’t _expected_ to.

Was this what love felt like? Complete trust of the other person to care for you despite your flaws? He still remembered what Spock had said to him…how he’d always take care of him, no matter what. That, coupled with Spock reciting vows made Jim surer than ever that he couldn’t have landed himself in a better situation if he’d tried.

He realized he was fully thinking these things for Spock to feel through their contact, not to mention their bond. Spock just met his eyes across the table and gently stroked the back of Jim’s fingers.

“It is just as good as last time, T’hy’la.” Spock assured him.

“I like when you call me that, even when I’m not sure what he means.” Jim intertwined their fingers.

“I…should have been more considerate.” Spock blushed the way Jim loved. “I did not intend to call you that until you remembered…It seems to be a habit.”

“You called me that six times since…I woke up.” Jim was unsure how else to phrase it.

“I was not even aware.” His blush deepened and averted his eyes.

“Well, I love it.” Jim pulled his hand back as he gathered the dishes, so that Spock would not know what he really wanted to say was I love you.

“We will arrive at New Vulcan in approximately nine hours.” Spock said, coming to stand behind Jim at the counter.

“Good…I wanna remember how to do my job so I can know how to fix my schedule better.” Jim turned to face Spock. “Something tells me that…ordinarily, we don’t actually spend this much time together.”

“Our work has kept us busy for the past few months.” Spock said. “I have greatly enjoyed the chance to be with you…”

“I need to remember my past so I can work hard on being a better captain in the future.” Jim started what he’d been rehearsing. He was glad Spock didn’t interrupt, since he wasn’t sure he’d be able to go on if he did. Spock did reach out and take both of his hands though when they started to shake.

“But I don’t need to remember to know how to love you.” Jim looked up from their joined hands where Spock’s stroking his thumbs over Jim’s knuckles suddenly stopped. “You reminded me.”

“Jim…” Spock looked back at him. Jim could feel his entire body flood with that same amazing feeling he’d felt that first time Spock held his hands.

“I hope I remember how to do this right.” Jim knew Spock made the first move to kiss him the first time, but he wanted to do it this time. With every fiber of want from the past few weeks compressed, he gently leaned in and pressed his lips to Spock’s.

The emotions passing between their bodies seemed to drown out all else. Jim may not remember ever doing this before, but his body certainly did, acting of its own accord. His hands went to Spock’s face, desperate to hold and feel that smooth skin in more than just a fleeting touch.

Spock’s arms instantly wrapped around his whole body, pulling them flush together. Jim was desperate to feel him further, to taste his tongue and see how it compared to his dreams.

“Jim…” Spock whispered, pulling back. Jim was already breathing heavy, his fingers clenching at the shoulders of Spock’s uniform. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Jim whispered, his voice hoarse. He kissed Spock again, harder now. His fingers moved up through Spock’s hair, wanted to mess up that smooth style. He felt Spock’s lips parts and their tongues met. Jim moaned, loving the texture that was so different from a human’s.

They broke apart again, this time Jim was gasping for air, high on the rush of feelings through the bond. His hands slipped down to Spock’s shoulders once more, his fingers tightening in his uniform and holding him close.

“God…so hot.” He gasped, aware he was being incoherent. “It’s like…”

“A cat’s tongue.” Spock whispered. “That is exactly what you said the first time.”

With breathy laughter, Jim kissed him again, wanting nothing more than to drown in that amazing warm feeling. He shivered, pressing his body harder against Spock’s when he felt Spock’s hands slip under his shirt and stroke the skin of his back.

“It has been fifteen days since we last kissed in this way.” Spock said, his voice having dropped lower. The coarseness of it seemed to zap through Jim’s body.

“S-sorry for making you wait…” Jim wasn’t sure why he was shaking.

“I would wait for you forever, T’hy’la.” Spock’s hands pressed against the muscles on his back, warming him further.

“Need you…” Jim mumbled, kissing him again. He never wanted to not kiss Spock ever again. His hands were everywhere, in Spock’s hair, down his neck and chest. He got the sudden mental image of the glimpses he’d seen of Spock’s naked chest, so slender and covered in dark hair.

“Jim…” Spock’s whispering of his name was punctuated by other rougher words in Vulcan.

“Wanna feel you…all of you.” Jim grabbed the hem of Spock’s shirt and tried to pull it off.

This seemed to knock Spock back to reality. He grabbed Jim around the middle and lifted him. Jim gasped but didn’t protest as Spock carried him into the bedroom.

It was so wonderfully warm in here for the Vulcan’s comfort, and Jim sighed in relaxation as Spock gently laid him on the bed and reached for one of his boots, carefully unlacing it and sliding it off of his foot, followed by the sock.

“Do you have to go so slow?” Jim asked as Spock unlaced his other boot with careful detail.

“Yes.” Spock said, looking up. “I wish for this to be like our first time.”

That shut Jim up as Spock went back to work. For some reason, Jim had imagined their first time as a frenzy of ripping clothes and moaning, but it was actually more meaningful that it was gentle and soft.

Jim bit his lips as Spock reached for his pants, carefully undoing them and sliding them down his legs and off. He knew he was already hard. He’d woken up hard every night for the past two weeks with all of those crazy dreams.

His breath hitched in his throat when he felt Spock’s fingers at the hem of his shirt, pulling it off over his head. Spock leaned carefully over him, the mattress dipping. Spock starred down at him with intense fascination in his eyes, his slender fingers sliding back and forth on Jim’s stomach.

“You too.” Jim whispered, tugging at Spock’s shirt. Spock did not budge, and instead just looked down at him.

“I wish to go slow for you. For your mind, it is the first time, even if not for your body.”

“Please…” Jim’s face flushed as he realized the implication of those words. No wonder his hands and hips seemed to act like they knew what to do. “I wanna see you…you’re so beautiful.”

“Very well, T’hy’la.” Spock got off the bed and Jim leaned up on his elbows to watch as Spock stripped slowly. He took time with his boots, but afterwards his clothes seemed to fall off. Jim’s mouth watered as he imagined putting his mouth all over those nipples, and he realized he probably already did at some point.

When Spock was down to his underwear as well, he climbed on the bed once more and resumed the gentle stroking of Jim’s skin. Jim knew Spock wouldn’t move faster, even if he begged, so he laid back and tried to relax.

“I have missed you so much, T’hy’la.” Spock whispered, and Jim wondered if he was even aware he was speaking. “You have been gone from me…but you have not truly left. You are still here with me. I still feel you in my mind…I can still touch you in body.” Spock’s palm went flat, moving across Jim’s nipples and making him moan softly at the unexpected pleasure.

“I have watched you slowly come back to me. I see it in your eyes when you remember. You remember how you felt for me. You remember us…you have no memory of how this feels, though.” The hand went slowly over each nipple and Jim bit his lip to keep from moaning any louder.

“Spock…” Jim gasped, aware of his hips rocking as if on their own. “I do remember. I…I remember every single night. I…I dream about you kissing me…your hands on me…your fingers inside me.”

“I know, T’hy’la, I know…” Spock murmured, his hand swooping lower and his fingertips grazing the skin under Jim’s waistband. “I could sense it when you did…I knew you were coming back to me.”

“Spock…please, I want…” Jim gasped again, feeling those fingers thread through his pubic hair, inches aware from where he ached to be touched. His hands moved across Spock’s chest, both in desperation to feel him and to have him feel how bad Jim needed him.

“I know.” Spock shivered just slightly when Jim’s hands moved higher. Spock leaned down and placed kisses on Jim’s chest, making Jim gasp and moan louder as Spock’s mouth moved towards one of his nipples.

He suddenly felt Spock grab one of his wrists. He hadn’t even realized he’d been reaching down to touch himself until Spock was stopping him. He rocked his hips up, desperate for friction that wasn’t just from his own underwear.

“Please…please…” He whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.

“You do not have to beg, T’hy’la. I will give you what you want.” Spock wrapped his hand around Jim’s erection and Jim moaned loudly as Spock stroked him slowly.

“Please don’t stop…”

Jim couldn’t remember ever feeling pleasure like this, not even in his dreams. His arms went around Spock’s back, crushing their bodies together as he trembled from the pleasure. Spock’s other hand went to his hip, holding it steady.

“F-faster…” Jim wasn’t even sure how he hadn’t come the second Spock started touching him. Maybe Spock was right that his body was used to this sort of thing even if his mind wasn’t.

“Do you wish to climax before I am inside you, T’hy’la?” Spock asked, rubbing at the head of his cock with his thumb.

Jim truly didn’t, but those words coupled with the feel of Spock’s teeth gently grazing the soft skin of neck pushed him over the edge. He was sobbing with pleasure as he came, his body trembling and his arms tightening around Spock’s back.

He couldn’t open his eyes. He could only gasp uneven breaths as his body shook. He was vaguely aware that Spock had pulled off his underwear and was gently stroking at his entrance with a slick finger.

“Spock…” Jim whispered, his eyes still closed. He didn’t know if he had the stamina for this, but apparently he did. He felt Spock push a finger inside of him as if it were nothing, his body accepting it as if it were a missing part of him. Finger after finger pushed inside him, stretching him and purposely avoiding that spot inside of him until suddenly they were all pressing there.

He moaned loudly at the amazing feeling, only to have the fingers leave his body entirely. He whimpered at the absence, but opened his eyes in time to see Spock leaning over him and feel the slick head of his cock at his entrance.

“Kiss me.” Jim whispered, his voice still hoarse. Spock’s lips were on his, his tongue easily dominating Jim’s.

Jim accepted the dominance of Spock’s tongue, just as his body easily accepted Spock sliding inside of him. Jim could only think of how amazing it felt, moaning softly as he pushed back against Spock, feeling his own cock harden once more.

Spock began to thrust into him, somehow pressing that spot inside him every time. Jim was sobbing with pleasure once more. His hands clawing at Spock’s back. His cock was at full hardness for only a few seconds before he felt himself coming again, unable to do anything but moan with pleasure. A moment later, he heard Spock gasp and moan softly, and knew Spock was coming inside of him.

He expected to rest now, but Spock didn’t stop. He moved down and began to attack Jim’s nipples with his mouth, making Jim gasp and squirm. It is occurred to him, as he felt Spock stroke him to hardness once more, that Spock knew essentially everything about his body. Spock could probably make him come over and over again. As if reading his mind, Spock leaned down and took Jim in his mouth. Jim came once more with a strangled groan.

❖ ❖ ❖

“Jim…Jim, wake up.”

Jim opened his eyes and felt Spock gently shaking his shoulder. He grunted at the cat jumped up onto the bed and nudged his face with his paw.

“What…?” Jim pried one eye open.

“It is time to go.” Spock said in a way that could mean anything, his face serious and impassive. But Jim could feel anticipation like excitement, and he found himself pushing back the covers and looking for his clothes on the floor.

Apparently he was more of his old self now than ever, as his clothes had been thrown on the floor. He pulled on the same ones he’d been wearing before he and Spock had gone at it, and dressed in the semi-darkness, pausing only when he was unsure if his pants were inside out or not.

“Okay…” He wasn’t sure why, but he felt his heart start pounding as he and Spock walked through the dimly lit corridors of the ship. It was a strange liminal space now at something like four in the morning, when he and Spock were the only ones out.

“I have packed extra clothes and anything else we might need.” Spock said, gesturing to the small black bag he carried. “Though, I spoke to the healers, and they do not think it will take an overnight stay.”

Jim just nodded. A mix of nerves and being jolted from sleep kept him quiet. He was happy, sure. He was going to be himself again, fully. Yet, he was still worried. He’d been accustoming to himself over the past few weeks…the idea of changing…what if he didn’t like himself?

He felt warmth and calming as Spock reached between them and took his hand. Jim gave him a smile, and knew it was all going to be okay. Because no matter what happened, he still loved Spock. He always would, if this experience taught him anything.

The transporter room’s lights burned into his retinas as they walked in. Scotty seemed unfazed that he had to be up this early to beam them down, only leaning back at the console and nursing a drink from a flask. McCoy seemed to look more how Jim felt, leaning one shoulder against the wall and yawning.

“Alright, let’s go.” He said when he saw them, following them onto the transporter pad.

“Wait…” Something occurred to Jim, and he thought of the paper notebook he’d seen in one of the drawers on his desk. The idea had seemed to form just before he’d fallen asleep last night, but he hadn’t really recognized it as full-fledged until now. “I forgot something!”

“Dammit, Jim!” McCoy growled.

“Jim…what is it?” Spock asked, unzipping the bag.

“Nothing! I’ll be right back. Hold on a sec!” He jumped down and dashed towards the doors.

He was proud of himself that he made it back without getting lost, pausing to carefully punch in the code he’d memorized from Chekov. He ripped open the drawers and finally found the notebook. Finding a pen was even worse.

“Come on…come on…” He grabbed one and scribbled madly to see that it still worked. When he saw that it did, he flipped to a blank page and started writing.

“Jim, what are you doing?” Spock asked from the doorway just as Jim was finishing up.

“Nothing. I’m ready.” Jim tore the page out and folded it up, before shoving it in his pocket.

“Were you attempting to postpone your visit to the healers?” Spock asked.

“What? No.” Jim smiled and slipped his hand into Spock’s. “I’m happy, really. I was just…writing something…for myself to read once I get my memories back.”

“What sort of note?” Spock raised an eyebrow.

“Nothing.” Jim didn’t want Spock to get the wrong idea by Jim saying it was private, but he didn’t want to look at it against at least until afterwards.

“I respect your privacy, Jim.” Spock squeezed Jim’s hand, and Jim felt a surge of love that further affirmed what he’d written.

It seemed to be mid-day on Vulcan as they beamed down. McCoy grumbled about the heat and terrain as they made their way up the steep stone stairs to the temple.

They seemed to have been expected, as Spock only had to say a few short sentences in Vulcan before the heavily-robed Vulcans inside were leading them further in, down narrow hallways and past rooms that were empty.

“You two wait here.” The Vulcan woman leading them turned to Spock and McCoy. Jim felt his nerves creep up again, and looked at Spock, hoping he’d argue. But Spock only nodded at the woman.

“I’m a doctor.” McCoy said sternly.

“You will be permitted to look at Captain Kirk once the session is finished, but he must proceed alone.” She turned to him, and he couldn’t help but think how much less warm her eyes were than Spock’s, despite their shared dark color. “Come.”

He followed her into a room in the back. It was very small and the sudden dim light made him squint. A Vulcan man sat in a meditative position on the floor, but did not open his eyes.

“Thank you, T’Riss. You may go.” The old Vulcan said. The woman left, closing the door all the way. Jim was suddenly aware of that same calming sweet smell of the incense that Spock always used.

“Uh…so, you’re going to help me?” Jim asked, shifting from foot to foot and feeling awkward about standing over him.

“Shh…” The man said, his eyes still closed. “Remove your socks, shoes, and shirt. Then lie down on the floor.”

“Um…okay.” Jim awkwardly began to strip, feeling both weird and relived that the Vulcan kept his eyes closed and did not move from his position. “I –“

“On your back.” The Vulcan answered the question that Jim hadn’t gotten to ask.

Jim did as he was told, aware of the small sheen of sweat that was already covering his body. He laid there, nervously watching the healer that had yet to open his eyes.

“What are you –“

“Shh…” He said again. “How did it happen? How did you injure yourself?”

“I fell off a ladder.” Jim said. “But what –“

“ _Shh…_ ” The healer moved to hover both hands above Jim’s chest. “You fell off a ladder and hit your head, thus losing all sense of yourself?”

Jim just nodded, afraid to speak now. He let out a gasp as he felt the old Vulcan’s wrinkled warm hands press down onto his chest. His body seemed to jolt slightly at the contact, and his eyes snapped shut.

Suddenly, he was no longer in the healer’s chamber. He was in engineering, standing on a ladder with both hands off the rungs.

“Yeah, I’ll take a look.” He called up to someone, a second later he saw that it was Jaylah looking down at him. He moved one foot back to climb down and grab the proper tool, when he felt his foot only go through air. He’d missed the rung and he gasped as his other foot slipped. He saw Jaylah’s shocked face, and then he was aware of only pain as his head struck metal.

He gasped and opened his eyes. He was back in the chamber, and the Vulcan was looking at him now, eyes opened and his hands off Jim and in his lap.

“I just remembered falling!” Jim said. The healer nodded and moved his hands to touch Jim’s chest in the same spot.

Jim’s eyes snapped shut and he saw and felt several things in rapid succession. He was on the bridge, arguing with Nyota, while subtly slipping a Vulcan kiss to Spock. He was on a strange planet, flanked by two officers as they ran for their lives. He was peering over the flaps of a cardboard box at a litter of kittens.

He was almost sad when he opened them to see he was once again back in the healer’s chamber. He took a shaky breath, already feeling different both physically and mentally. He did remember now, that he always had a rivalry with Nyota, who never let him use her first name. He also remembered spending almost an hour looking for the best kitten, much to McCoy’s annoyance. He’d finally chosen Kan-bu after the kitten had jumped out of the box and onto McCoy’s head.

“You are finding yourself?” The healer asked, repositioning Jim’s legs so they were bent at the knee, giving him access to the tops of Jim’s feet.

“Yeah, I wasn’t too far gone after all.” Jim chuckled, and he was pleased when the healer seemed to smile. The healer then placed his hands on the tops of Jim’s feet and Jim was gone once more.

He was on Tarsus IV, hiding crouched behind a trashcan. With every pounding of his heart, he was reminded that the contents of the trash mirrored that of his stomach; empty. That one hurt, actually felt like it was re-scarring his heart. It quickly faded into the next memory, however.

Flash after flash brought more back. Glimpses of faces, places, names, and feelings filled it his childhood and adolescence. Out of order shots of his Academy days and captaincy filled it all in up until now. But he did not open his eyes just yet.

He found himself staring out into the vast expanse of space. Somehow, they’d all made it out alive, and Jim was relieved. But there wasn’t the usual high that came after a mission, only a strange somber. He had a lot to think about.

Only he knew how close he’d been to death, having urged everyone else on ahead. He ended up escaping with a scratch on his face as the only visible sign of his struggle, but still. Being that close, it really got him thinking about what matter, what he treasured.

He knew what it meant when his heart leapt when Spock was around. How he looked forward to anytime they were together, whether it was a mission or chess. He couldn’t deny it any longer. He didn’t want to.

The doors opened and his heart soared when he saw it was Spock. They exchanged words, Jim’s heart pounding in his throat, unable to stop smiling. Spock’s hand was on his cheek, his thumb brushing away the blood from the cut. Spock’s mouth was on his, and he’d never been so happy in his whole life.

“No…” He opened his eyes and saw only the ceiling of the chamber. The healer’s hands were on his face; the same way Spock’s always were when they melded.

“I believe you will find it is all in order.” The healer stood and went to the window, gazing through a gap in the thick drapes. Jim craned his neck and saw it was nearly dark out. They must have been here for hours.

“Thank you. How…how did you do all that?” He asked tentatively in case he was shushed once more. He reached for his shirt and pulled it on. As he tugged it on, he couldn’t help but smirk now that he remembered trivial things, such as were he bought it.

“As you said, it was not very far gone.” The healer looked back towards the window.

“Yeah, but....like…I don’t know how to thank you.” Jim laced his boots up and walked towards him.

“You were the one that helped save my people.” The healer said. “It was only logical to do what I could to help you in return. Now, it has been many hours. Your husband and friend are waiting for you.”

“Oh, right!” Jim went towards the door. “Thanks again!”

He ran down the hallway, his footsteps disturbing the silent atmosphere of the temple. A few stern-faced Vulcans poked their heads out and gave him looks as he thundered past. He burst into the lobby, making McCoy jump up from where he’d been slouched sleeping on one of the seats.

“Jim…” Spock looked up from where he’d been sitting quite straight-backed.

“I can’t believe…” Jim couldn’t take his eyes off Spock as he walked over to him, reaching out to cup his face and kiss him. “That I ever forgot you!”

“It was not so bad.” Spock leaned forwards until their foreheads touched. “You did not truly forget.”

“Can we go now? It’s hot as hell here!” McCoy stood up and started towards the door before either of them moved. “And don’t think, Jim, that you aren’t going straight to med bay when we get back. They may have fixed you up, but I gotta go and make sure that they didn’t do anything else.”

“Fine, Bones.” Jim tried to sound annoyed, but couldn’t help but smile at the familiarity of it all as he reached out and took Spock’s hand.

Back on the ship, he was somehow not surprised to see how many people were waiting for him to see how it all went. He made a show of high-fiving as many people as he could reach and calling them by their names.

“Glad to be remembering you, _Nyota Uhura.”_ He grinned and held up a hand. She rolled her eyes but smiled back when she high-fived him.

“And you!” Jim reached out and tussled Chekov’s hair. “How did you know my entry codes!?”

“Hikaru gave them to me!” He shrieked with laughter and jumped away.

Jim would have loved to just hang out and perhaps sit back in the captain’s chair, but McCoy grabbed his arm and literally pulled him away.

“Look into the light.” McCoy said, holding the flashlight steady. “Now look up…look down…”

“I’m fine! I feel fine, and I can remember you, so I remember how much I hate this. So, can I go now?” He didn’t wait for an answer, he just got down and started for the door.

“Wait.” McCoy grabbed his arm again. “…What exactly did they do to you?”

“He melded with me…sort of. But it wasn’t like a normal meld.” Jim hoped maybe Spock could explain it better once he went back to their room. “He didn’t just touch my head, he touched my feet too…”

“….Ew.”

Jim just laughed. It did seem strange, but he was glad it worked, and he wasn’t complaining. There would be plenty of time for him to sit on the bridge tomorrow. As much as he loved his job, he loved his husband more. He definitely was looking forward to another night in Spock’s arms.

Just before he reached their quarters, he remembered the note in his pocket. It seemed sort of weird now, that he’d written it. He unfolded it and attempted to decipher his half-asleep scrawling.

_Jim –_

_I know you probably feel like it was just inconvenient what happened, but I think it helped. Spock said we didn’t get to spent a lot of time together because of work, but you can’t let that happen again. He loves you and you love him, and this will probably mean a lot more once you get your memories back. Make time to be together. Have a real baby and not just a cat. Also, here’s the recipe for the lasagna so you don’t have to get it from Nyota again._

 Jim smiled to himself as he folded the note and put it back in his pocket. He didn’t know if helped was the right word, but he was definitely more aware now of how much he loved Spock and how easily it could all slip away.

Maybe they’d be able to spend some time down on New Vulcan before the next mission. Jim was getting the nice mental image of another picnic on the sand.

 


End file.
